This Zixuan ar, changed my "no title" to benducky .GRRRR

but well, this is 2009, and i am officially sec 4. how irritating.

but i do have some resolutions that i desperately want to do:

1. STOP BEING LATE.
because its very irresponsible of me to do so and according to my excos, i am late 6 times and i don't want to lose my credibility because of that.just hate myself for being a deep sleeper. now, i decided to buy another stronger alarm clock. i can't find any though. SORRY GUYS.

2. BUY A GUITAR
it sucks not to have a guitar when you are learning it.

3. GOOD RESULTS
and it takes discipline. oh my tian its 2009 another, my national exam year of course i want to do well la. i want a single digit R5 but for those in my school would probably laugh at me for aiming that because my R5 now is 24. -____-"

4. HANG OUT WITH CHURCH FRIENDS MORE
i love them, and Sarah Lee Mei En too ( still don't know who is doraemon right? XD)

5. Life of Abundance
i want a life of abundance in 2009, and to do that i need to love the Lord my God with all my HSMS, and to love my neighbour as i love myself. woo, i love Chris Sern Wee Chen, you are sexy.




and i still have to control myself in the coming year, for the sake of the rest. it's time to me to switch off the crazy mode.


too bad salmon, NO DRAMA


Duck

WHO changed my tagbox???


oh well, DORAEMON is someone all of you don't know, so nice try SARAH LEE :D

anyways tomorow is the last day of 2008 so let's just pray that 2009 God will do GREAT exploits. OH man my "O"s

Ben

I don't want to let all this mistakes i have made get the better of me.

i want a revival, i want to stand up,
i want to live for Christ, my sole desire.
i want to take up the cross and go through the fire
Knowing that the world I live in is really in dire.

Jesus Christ is all i need
He is the person i will only seek
without this saviour i will go weak
but this Messiah has done more than just deeds.

If there is one thing i want to describe about today: SUCK

but thanks DORAEMON :)

Ben

TAWG

just now while i was doing my time alone with God, God just brought me out of the bible passage and showed me a vision of hell. Well i don't know if it really is hell or not, but it is this pitch black place and i see a different kind of fire that i have never seen before.

i see 4 creatures surrounding me from 4 different directions, blowing trumpets at me, and they grew from their small size into gigantic monsters, and i hear God's voice saying, these are the angels of satan. then i walked in front and i saw Satan, playing this harp that sounds really alluring, and standing on a platform, he continued playing as multitudes of people jump around in madness in flames of fire below the platform. they all seemed to be enjoying themselves amidst being in like huge flames.

However, i also see many big hands, coming down from above to pick people up from the flames. the big hands kinda like pinched the person and then lifted it up from the flames. and it's like many big hands.

i moved on to another place.

i see scantily clad women, seducing me to their side, and it is not just a few, but thousands of them of the same kind, barely wearing anything. and all of them seemed to be lusting for more of what they work for.and the voice spoke again," These women may seem attractive, but when the day comes, i will banish all of them into the pits of burning fire for eternity because of what they have done to themselves." I looked again and this time, they have become ugly monsters, ready to devour people. I walked back to the " disco pub". This time, i was lifted above the flames and i saw this place where people walked on clouds and the scenery is beautiful. Every single one of them walked up this flight of stairs upwards and above i see the pearly gates. i walked up the stairs as well.

" this flight of stairs represents your life. and if you are not careful, you can drop into the flames again."God explained to me this fact. and i see people with fire on their heads, and they seemed to be muttering something. with that, more people are lifted from the flames and joined the rest in this walk upwards.

we reached the gates. i entered. it is really beyond words. i cannot describe how magnificent it is but i see angels flying around with trumpets, blasting a different tune as to what i have heard just now. It sounded even majestic and joyful.

i entered the courtyards and into the throne room. The interiors are all made of gold. in the middle of the place i see a fire. It is different from the flames i see just now, which has this unusual dark aura. But this fire, looks like a ball a fire. A big ball of fire. and like the song " consuming fire", it literally looks as if it can consume anyone. then i see a man walking out of the fire. He had golden hair, and he wore a white tunic, with brown sandals and his feet are like bronze, his eyes like fire and i just knew, He was Jesus, the Son of God.

He ran towards me and hugged me. i felt this warmth in me like i always do in altar call.

He told me to share this vision. because it is real.

I then snapped out of the vision, and carefully looked at the bible again. I was at Revelations.


Duck.

i have been weirdly seeing this kind of visions lately.

Hmm well merry christmas everyone. today is not too bad because i got a LOVE card from sarah lee and just found out that our dear HONG KAI is in the same section (and hopefully in the same buzz as well). so ya its kinda cool.

but today some things have happened and it got me to wonder whether i will end up the same way like my friend. Life is just like that, complicated and stuffs, but i guess for humans thats the way to go? i really have no idea

and i just find myself becoming into the more serious side of me slowly. even as i am flipping through my orientation paper, it just occured to me that school is reopening, and i am going back to school as a sec 4, and its my last year


irony.

Duck

fairies 2008 in Nouveau surge for the star

with Amos!

oh man, i am so gonna chiong writing cards and letters for everyone. just for me to remember who to write to( please add on tagbox if i left out your name, the whole world knows i have stm :P

Amos Lee

harold koh

Keith yong

ezra chan

Tan jie Kai

Mad ( mum )

Sarah Lee mei en

claire yeo

rachel teh

Chris sern

Pig ( which is already done)

Salmon Soh Yi heng

Auntie Dar

Joseph Wong

the other Joseph in NYP biotech Z2 :D

Dee ( oh ya happy birthday :D )

Chen He liang

Brandon Sham

PAPA Sam

Desmond Auntie Hua

sis. Carol

Alvin Laiman ( see i didn't forget you :P )

Tze Yeng

yap Jasmine

Mervyn ( my duper AGL )

Hui Sian

Zi Xuan ( my brother )

Eunice Er ( my brother )

Nicole ( see i didn't forget you either :D)

Pris Chin ( aiya this one nvm la XD just kidding )

Eline tan li tong my dear daughter

hmm who else?

ok, with my heart for God still burning, i am gonna type my 224th post! hahas.

well today went to buy school books and uniform with my mum and sis and bumped into chen he liang. ok la i bump into him like all the time, so i rushed to the com lab and kinda like helped with the lanyard things even though a dumb dumb like me cannot really do much. haha. felt quite helpless la, but anyways i found something to do and that is to collect lanyards and at the midst of it i was listening to alvin laiman and co. cracking jokes like professing your love using song of songs, it was hilarious man. But somehow Dar got mad and so i got back to serious business like collecting more lanyards and getting instructions from mdm ezreen.

God is all calling us to do something bigger. And really la, i don't care anymore, just whack 2009 for God. Amen.

Ahhs crap, haven't bought christmas stuff, haven't do homework, and the pig psed me :P

lLord i give you my heart
i give you my soul
i live for you alone
every breath that i take
every moment i'm awake
Lord have your way in me

this is the air i breathe (x2)
your holy presence,
living in me

and i am desperate for you
and i am so lost without you

higher,
Lord you will lift me higher,
out of my weakness
Lord take me as i am,
higher,
i will be lifted
higher,
my world commited
in my generation,
i will proclaim

Deeper in you
to another level
i will find my breakthrough
deeper in you
i need you holy spirit
consume my heart and make me yours again
in you i am forever changed

i think God has really impacted me to go beyond the mile to serve Him, may it be in school or whatnots or in church. our God is a consuming fire. it is true. I will jolly well just give my youth to him, the best of it and see Him use it for greater purposes that i cannot see. Amen


oh well life is cool again i guess?

Mad is my mum , MAd is my mum , everyone repeat after me.

Don't touch me, don't even talk to me.

pls leave a message after the tone.















hating myself right now.

Yearning for more
more of you Lord in my life
this is my cry oh Lord

my heart's desire
holy spirit come fill my life
desperate for your touch

all of my days, you hold in your hands
all of my ways, i will proclaim

higher, Lord you will lift me
higher, out of my weakness
Lord take me as i am

higher, i will be lifted
higher, my world commited
in my generation, i will proclaim

in the dark, you will light my ground, light my ground
through the storm, you will lift me up, lift me up

higher, higher, higher in you


throughout this camp, i have been utterly broken in the altar, consecrated, and God moved me in very powerful ways. He forced me to think through my life. what have i been living for in this life. through this 15 years.

Right after breakcamp, bro. sam just spoke to me about what God has spoken to me in the camp, and i can't give a definite and strong reply. He is right, i can't solely rely on enthusiasm. and the thing that can keep me going is PASSION.

through it all, my focus should be on God, and not on the problems, not on the people, and not on my fears and inadequecies. Been thinking it through. this year, i have been avoiding many things. hiding facts, living a life that does not please God. the reason why sometimes i act childishly is because i want to run away from the fact that i have to grow up. because i know that growing up is somehow painful, with all the backstabbing, lying , and i want to remain as innocent as i can. I know i can't carry on anymore, i am almost out of breath.

and somehow, God made use of bro. sam to relate to me this reality. that i can sing a million times of "this is how we overcome" but if we do not do what God call us to do, its useless. it's true. In the end, i still have to face myself. to find out who i am, do some "soul searching", and overcome all the problems i face. frankly speaking, i feel inadequate. especially when you know that some things you just don't do as well, or cannot be compared to others.

In this camp, God just showed me how He will use me. and it is amazing, even for myself, how God can use broken vessels to do great things. even though i suck in many things, God can use me to minister to people's lives.

Despite being suaned, and scolded, and ridiculed, and all this nonsense, by all kinds of people. even people you hold close. the pain escalated. to this level where you just want to run, to escape, and this is what i have been doing this holiday. thats why in church, i somehow ran away from the fact of my commitment in school and in council. just ran away and cried to my knees in camp. God just brought me to my senses in the altar. the moment i reached the altar, tears never seemed to end. its like a river, and i just cried out to God, asking Him why is my life like that? why did God have to push me that far, to the extent i couldn't really breathe. and He then showed me a vision. where He just got me to sit on this gigantic eagle and soar higher and higher.
and the next moment, i was slain and i lay on the floor, hearing God's voice ever so clearly.

after camp, harold came and spoke to me and i was really struck by the things he said, and advice he gave. i really took it like its my life. thanks so much harold.

and God, if i am going to surrender all this fears and inadequecies, Lord i want to move into you a deeper level. Lord i want to know you again and Lord, won't you take me higher? i want to live for you. it is really pointless driving on events relying on human strength solely. i want to do this for you, for your purpose. I am desperate for your touch, even now.

Ben. this is who i really am.

Carry the passion- Mark yong

Lord lift me higher.

prepare me for camp

prepare to electrify me

once again

higher, i will be lifted
higher i will be commited.

i love my sister.
i really do
i love my family

but i got to leave,
if i want to be stronger
if i want something new
if i want something
i need to sacrifice.


Lord, your plans to prosper me and not to harm me,
can i trust in you?

Ben is utterly broken. in the heart. really.
and salmon you don't have to predict. its true.

well recently, i was offered a chance to actually go to the states to stay for a month or two, and my dad just sent an email to my aunt living there about this. frankly speaking i am pretty much excited about this oppourtunity because i do want to have a taste of American life and just want to know how it feels and stuff. of course there are catches. first i will probably miss Alumni camp, miss IGNYTE camp 09, and it won't be easy to live independently, somehow.It's like a week after my O levels and i will come back just before my O level results. So we'll see.

Meanwhile it is hardcore time for my 'O's. better get into top 10 JCs to boost my testimonial for Uni application. i wanna go to ivy league. and the first thing to do is to remove those Cs and replace them with As.

i want the 8 As. and a place in college in USA.

meanwhile, to my O levels. to NYJC.

feeling crapped today. Late for 2 minutes( according to my phone) for EXCO meeting and ran 3 rounds. Missed a movie treat with both dennis and darylene(with gang) and went to see a doctor, who told me that my face needs 6 7 months to recover, and i have to go on medication. On the way home just felt like i don't know what i am doing( or according to salmon, the emo mood) and my phone just can't send smses which i don't know why. Shao Long's bbq i can't go coz 14th is camp. there is full day band tomorow and saturday going to malaysia( which i don't really look forward to because i have to wake up at 3.45am and its with my cousins) and wednesday's council meeting i am not going because of band. When i should be in Alumni Camp now but was cancelled. When in this stupid weather i wished i was doing something better but yet can only blog and force myself to start mugging while my seniors' Os are over. When all of a sudden i feel like i am a jerk and maybe i am a jerk or maybe i am just oversensitive but you will never know. I got a feeling that perhaps everyone thinks so too. Or maybe it's because of some things i say or some things i do.i don't know, i don't like this. And then again i realised recently that i don't really talk to people. i mean, not good at talking to people. well perhaps deep inside i am an introvert. thats a new revelation


feeling crapped today. oh please relieve me from this crap.

grr MAD is having her exams and i don't wanna bug her

find God, God probably knows what is going on

I want to be a good boy again, no more running, no more rebel.

floating duck, don't know where will he float to.




i am counting on God, are you?

OBS PART 2

ok here is part 2 of the OBS story. hahas. the 5 days in OBS has really like moulded me into someone stronger and mightier than i ever know. Oh ya. we did belaying, rock climbing, kayaking, trekking, tent pitching, all the crap which is really fun la. but one of the moments that i will keep for life is the piece of paper which we all write for each other. i vow to keep that piece of paper for life man, bleh maybe softcopy on this blog

Felicia: At the land expedition, we were behind time and a little lost. At that time you were the navigator and yet you didn't give up to find the first checkpoint.What job you're given, you would still try your very best to complete the task.

Daniel: Even though you lead us the wrong route during the expedition, I am still very glad that you didn't give up. You are one determination boy. Keep going!

Duan Kai ( motivation) : Hey thanks for keeping up with me and helping me out when i needed it. Thanks for the encouragement.

Evan: Thanks for the beautiful feet that you have during the night, providing me with a wonderful scent, giving me much sleep!

Sufyan: You are an enthusiastic person who likes to be with others. You are also a great friend!

Joevin: Hey, you are a great leader, but try not to act clever ok! haha....

Rizwana: hii Ben 10 ( goodbye zero, hello hero) Yo ben our macho man, we luv u!!! you are super strong and energetic. I don't think you got any -ve point to say leh....

Teddy: YOYO Ben 10 1000 +(plus) Keep up the good work never give up!

Triffany: You're great ben! apart from your blur-ness, you're a perect camp mate :D

Atiqah: Wah! You're a great and funny leader. I see you got the potential! keep on motivating!

Wei Kwang: Yo! you change alot! must listen carefully to what ppl say and when giving out instructions you must think of other ppl 1st. Great leader!

Yuen Hui: (good) Good leading skills, very helpful, fun-going guy (bad) Nah, don't really have :D

Karen: You this son Yah enjoy more ok!!! Always so helpful and here to help us lah...But sometime if you really cannot take it or do it, don't force yourself ok!!! don;t want you to be too stress lah ok!!! keep it up and thank you

Adeline: Be yourself Ben! & plan your time well. Thanks for all the encouragement :) see you around duck! don't be so joker !

well some comments are good, some comments are areas of improvement. Nevertheless these 15 people made a difference in my life through a span of 5 days. Yeah me duan kai wei kwang and teddy got this nickname ( Ben 10 1000 + ) which is very funny. it can be rearranged and it will be another thing altogether. and yep we got our Junko outing on the 12th December at sentosa! woohoo i can't wait to meet them again :D

Well, in the course there are times where i wasn't as motivated, especially during the land expedition, where wei kwang got muscle cramp and i ended up carrying the 2 tent bags along with my own haversack. In the beginning i gave the tent bag back to him, but yet somehow he forced me to carry and since i really said: bring it on, i might as well push myself. During the trek, mummy MAD's words keep resounding in my head : "you are not the loser, you are the mighty warrior..." it kept going and it gave me the strength to carry 20 kg and trek more than 20km through extreme terrains. It is really with God's strength that i pulled through, not forgetting that the day before we just kayaked 20km around pulau ubin. Yeah i became the second superman in OBS, other than dumb wei kwang( 10 ).

oh well, lots of memories, lots of things to keep. the hardcore values i learnt in OBS that will shape me for life, i will not forget.

Maybe i should try the 21 day OBS when i am older. yeah man

MEtAL duck